Because I'm in a melancholy mood...or depressed...whatever...

I battle demons. No, not in a Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester kind of way (although I do admit, fighting with those two would be so much better and well, let's face it, more demons might make it out unscathed because I was too busy staring at Jensen Ackles to shoot the bastards) but in an inner demon way. My demons? never feeling good enough for anybody or anything. Try as I may, I end up falling far short of where I intend(ed) to be.

Take, for example, housework. I am no Martha Stewart. I am not even Tony Stewart. I wake up every morning thinking, "Today is the day I get a ton of crap done in this house, Jason will be so proud of me!" So I work. I try. He comes home, after a 12 hr shift, and starts cleaning what I didn't get to. I get upset, because I don't want him to clean.I want him to come home and rest. He says, "someone has to do it, so, from now on, I'll go to work, bust my butt for 12 hrs and then come home and clean." I tell him I can do it, he says," This house can be clean in 4 hrs. Top to bottom. I know because I've cleaned it in 4 hrs. I'm at work for 12. I don't ask for much." I agree with him. But this is where the feelings of failure take over, because I do try very hard to keep things picked up. I do try even harder because I know how it makes him feel. I do try extremely hard because I hate the way this house looks. Cram 6 people (4 of which are children), 4 cats and 1 very large dog into a 1500 sq. ft. home, it's not going to be sparkling. BUT, I am making an effort. It still gets me, straight to the heart, when he says what he does. Kills me, actually.

I hate waking my husband up. Period. I have never had anyone be as absolutely shitty as he is trying to wake up. He's been asleep on the couch in the tv room since 9:30 AM. At 11:45AM, he told me he wanted to just sleep for another half hour. It's now 1 pm. He yelled at me the last time I tried to wake him up. So, do I go for more abuse or do I let him sleep the day away? Hmmm.....I just tried waking him again. Why did I even do that?

I always have had this inner monologue going...it's constant, and I can't seem to shake it. Ever. It's not that I have voices talking to me (that would be far to easy to explain and therefore, treat) Believe me, I'm not psycho. I'm not schizo. What I am...is torn. Torn between what I want to be and what I am. I don't want to accept defeat. I don't want to accept that who I am isn't good or acceptable for anyone. I HATE these feelings, because I am told that I am worth more than what I think I am, but I can't shake it. It's like, if I do/say/feel something that doesn't agree with someone else, I've failed that other person somehow. Their vision of me is shattered. I've let them down. I've let myself down. I hate that. Loathe it. It happens all the time, though. Someone could say something as simple as, "For next time, let's do this a different way" or "In the future, remember..." or "How could you not see/understand...." and what I hear is: "You're stupid. How could you be so stupid? How do you even function? You're selfish. You don't get it. You never will get it. Give up. Quit. No one wants you. No one wants to be around you. You are a despicable, miserable, horrible, fat, lazy, stupid pile of shit. GIVE UP." Yes, every time someone says something that could be remotely critical, even if completely unintentional, THAT'S what plays in my head. Over...and over...and over. And then, I get defensive. And I go on the defensive. Many arguments have been started with this. Many arguments end with the other telling me what my head was saying to me all along. A marriage ended because of this. And yet...I still try to be better.

Maybe my grandma was right. Maybe I should've listened to her. She told me that no man was going to want me, and I was never going to amount to anything. She said you can't clean, you can't keep a man happy, and there was no point to me trying to find someone else because I'd just make him miserable, too. I think I make my husband miserable. He tells me I don't, that he loves me more than he can ever say...and I believe him. If this stupid nagging in the back of my head would quit, things would be fantastic. But, it won't stop. And I've probably doomed myself once again.

ever get that feeling....???

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been getting a feeling....a feeling that there is something BIG just around the corner for my family. I keep checking up on things, seeing if there's clues somewhere to what this thing is. It's strange, I've never felt this much anticipation for something unknown to me. But I'm not alone in my feelings....

Last week, while Jason was home trying to get used to his blood pressure medicine, we were enjoying one another's company. I looked him in the eyes, just stared for a bit...then said, "it's weird. I've been getting this feeling like for the past week or so that something big and good is going to be happening for us. I don't know how to describe it, but that feeling is so strong...I've never really experienced anything like this before." He gave me a look, paused for a second, and said, "I've had the same exact feeling for about a month now. I don't think we're going to have to look for it, but I think there's going to be a huge opportunity laid out for us."  It's moments like that and so many others that Jason and I share that further reaffirm that he an I were destined to be.

So what is this opportunity? this great thing? I have NO clue. Neither does Jase. Guess we'll have to wait and see!

finally accepting who i am.....

I've been called a lot of things in my lifetime. About 3/4ths of the names I've been called have been to destroy my sense of self, and my self esteem. Unfortunately, for me, at the time when I was called these not so nice names, it did have a profound effect on who I thought I was. Those names and labels stuck with me throughout school, and sadly, through most of my 20's as well.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. And it happened at a time when I was at my lowest. I had just separated from the lovely Bob (refer to the deadbeat blog to know more about dear ol' Bob) and started up an account on Facebook. Long story short, I met several people who helped me rediscover who I really was, at my core. They helped me along through the toughest days I have ever had to go though. With their care and their encouraging words, they showed me that it was not only perfectly ok to be who I am, that I should tap into my inner strength and really let the world see who I am. I was scared to do this, because my family has always told me that the way I act and the words I say make me look bad. And the marriage to Bob didn't help matters either, because my personality was thoroughly squelched by Bob and his mother, the Kraken. (doesn't that movie Clash of the Titans now have more meaning to you now you know who played the Kraken?) But I digress. Anyway, I found the strength I had inside of me, and started to shine on Facebook. Those names and labels started to fade, and I started to not only enjoy life, but found humor in every situation, and the silver lining in everything.

Some of the stigmas still were there, and I still doubted myself and still had a pretty bad self image. Then someone came into my life and helped me shine all the brighter. It was an unlikely place to find someone, let alone my soul mate. I was playing a game on Facebook called Yoville. One of my favorite things to do on that game was to make my little avatar slide back and forth on the street. It was funny, and because not everyone could do it (you had to know a certain sequence to get your avatar to do it) I usually got a lot of people to talk to me. As if they could ignore me, I found people who were saying cocky or absurd things, and then proceed to completely destroy them. Hey it was fun. Anyway, there was this avatar in the corner of the screen, dressed in all black, and his screen name was Jasonz1978. I saw the 1978 part and typed HEY JASONZ1978, was that the year you were born or the year you graduated?! The reply back was...UHHH..the year I was born lol. The rest, as they say, is history. I ended up falling for this mysterious man in black, and found what I had been searching for my entire life. Jason has shown me that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with who I am, and has helped me fully embrace who I truly am. He gave me a confidence I have NEVER had. He accepts and adores everything that I am. Likewise I accept and adore everything he is. He is the male version of me, only he's 6'4, and a little smellier than I am some days :)

So who am I? I am honest. I am loyal. I say what I say and make no apologies for it. I am fierce. I will pounce on your lies or conceit, and proceed to rip you apart, until you realize you were wrong to ever open your mouth in the first place. I am, regardless of what anyone thinks, STRONG. You can say what you will, but in the end, I will have MY say. And what I say will win out. I am without measure. I care deeply for my friends, and will be there for them whenever they need me. I am a good listener, and if you want my opinion on situations in your life that get you down, I will share them with you, and hopefully help you out. If you just need a listening ear I'm there for that, too. I am unique and, fortunately for the rest of the world, there is only one me. I have a sense of humor that either you get it or you don't, it's up to you. I am sarcastic. I can seem cynical, negative, and even mean. I am not negative, I'm realistic. And if I seem mean, it's only because my honesty has offended you in some way. I do have my weaknesses and they do get me down, but I have such great friends and a wonderful family that those days are short lived and the humor returns almost as quickly as it left. I welcome everyone's opinions, because that's what makes the world go round.

So that's me. Take it or leave it, it's up to you :)

for all the douchebags i've known....

Ok granted I haven't lived for very long. However, in my short life I've known a lot of douches. I'm not talking like intimate feminine hygiene products that smell like vinegar or flowers, I'm talking about guys who are, indeed, douchebags. Tools, as it were. There's varying degrees of their douchebaggery, or toolery...one of my faves, and one you can spot a mile away, is the "hopeless romantic" tool. Another is the "I'm so damn hot, I'm cool" tool. Another is "I'm a white boy but think I'm gangsta" tool. They are rampant in society, and one of my favorite targets...because they make it SO EASY to point out their stupidity.

I looked up the definition of "Tool" on urbandictionary.com. Now tell me YOU don't know at least one or 2 of these guys....1:One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used. A fool. A cretin. Characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.

2. A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a 'what-are-you-even-doing-here' look. The 'what-are-you-even-doing-here' look is classified by a glare in the tool's direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is alwasys making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will. However, the tool is useful because you can use them for things; money, rides, etc.

3. Someone who tries too hard. a poser. one of those chicks who holds the sign saying "Carson Daly is Hot." The asstard who goes to a rock show because they heard one of the songs on the radio or mtv. or someone who insists on wearing velour sweat suits. Avril Lavigne.

4. Someone who is a complete idiot/ one who is used by other people, and usually dosen't even realize it/ someone who can't think for themselves/ an asshat.

5. a fake person. someone does things to impress people....

Those are just 5 definitions I found on Urbandictionary.com. Mad props to them for providing me with the definitions instead of using names (like i would anyway, I'd just refer to them as: BOB, Larry, Moe, Curly....)Sad thing is, there is no cure for being a tool. Or a complete douche. We all just humor them, because we all have friends who don't want to "hurt" the tool's feelings by letting them know of their utter toolery. Then there's people like me, who take jabs but then get wrangled in because someone doesn't want them to think that they are actually a tool, waaaaaah....Pisses me off in more ways than one. I will correct this someday soon, because I can't stay quiet for long :)

a peek into my somewhat Godless soul....

I'm about to commit social suicide. I hope, after this blog, you all will still be my friends, or at the very least, patronize me by still reading my blogs. I'm going to tackle one of the most controversial subjects outside of politics. There isn't another subject that gets people's blood pumping (for good or for bad) as the subject of religion. So, without further adieu, I'm going to come out and say it. Organized religion is full of sh*t. The bible, while teaches good moral standards, is NOT supposed to be taken literally. The New Testament should be banned. The world would be a much better place if religion didn't fuel hatred. And the movie Religulous should be watched by all. There. I said it. But I wasn't always this way.....

I grew up in a very religious home. We attended church every sunday. It didn't matter if one of us kids was dying of chicken pox or there was family in town visiting or there was a meteor shower about to destroy the world, we were at church. I enjoyed church after the age of 8, because a family moved to town who was the same religion as my family, they lived 2 houses up from us, and had a son that I thought was to die for. So up until I was about 16, I didn't mind going to church. But I digress. Maybe if I told you what church I attended up until oh about 4 years ago, you would understand a little better about the social suicide comment. I was raised Mormon. (dramatic music plays, audible gasps of shock can be heard) You still there? or did I lose you with the Mormon comment? If you're still there and reading, let me tell you of just a small number of the expectations set forth by the Mormon religion, and how much of a rift this will create between me and my family who are still stalwart in the faith, and some of my dear friends who, unfortunately after reading this, will probably never speak to me again.

If you are raised Mormon, there are certain things you must NEVER do. 1-You mustn't ever doubt anything. EVER. 2-you mustn't consume alcoholic beverages. 3-you mustn't take drugs. 4-you may question things, but if the answer is "have faith" or "pray about it" or "some things Heavenly Father doesn't need to explain, you just should believe" or "we don't have the answers to everything. If we did, we would know all of Heavenly Father's mysteries now wouldn't we" or "because it's just so", you take that answer and not ask again, because to ask again would mean you didn't apply the first answer(s), therefore doubting your faith. 4-you mustn't engage in any activity that will be a detriment to your spirit. 5-No dating before 16. PERIOD. after 16, group dating. NO PAIRING OFF, because that can lead to kissing, which is almost forbidden until you are pronounced husband and wife. SERIOUSLY. 6-No coffee or tea. 7-if no coffee or tea, then you mustn't drink any drink with caffeine, because caffeine is a drug, and drugs are bad mmmmkay? there's a million more reasons, but my brain just shut off there...need more caffeine :)

Mormon girls are expected to become wives and mothers. That's it. To have any other ambition is not abiding by the laws set forth by God. So that means, from the time you're about 3 until you're about 95, that's what is taught. Now some would say that wasn't true, and there's a lot of Mormon women in the workforce and they still are in good standing with the church, yada yada yada. While that is the case, I remember many a General Conference where the prophet and apostles have said, in essence, "We understand the need for 2 incomes in a family, that in these times it is very difficult to get by on just 1 income. However, if you can do it, the woman really needs to be in the home, rearing the children in righteousness." This doesn't really sit well with most women. I get to stay home, for now, because I have a little one still at home. It would be counter-productive for me to have a job, because most of what i would make would go to daycare and travel expenses. But that's just what works for our family.

This brings me to the gigantic rift that will definitely happen after this blog is posted. Before I say what I'm going to say, first let me say that if this changes how you feel about me, and it will make you want to save my soul, please know that 1-I hold no grudges to those who don't want to associate themselves with me after this and 2-my soul is just fine where it is. Ok. Here goes. I gave up on the LDS religion 4 years ago, and as subsequent consequence, religion as a whole. I'm not atheist, I guess you could lump me in with the agnostics. I have my reasons for why I believe what I do, my reasons are for me and me alone. And while I have many friends and family who are still strong in the Mormon faith, and I have fond memories and feelings for these people, I just don't share the same beliefs as they do. I guess I'm coming out of the closet, so to speak. I just committed social suicide. I have much much MUCH more to say on the subject of religion, but I realize you have stuff you need to do instead of being glued to the computer screen, reading my ramblings. And this one is definitely under the category of rambling. To be continued........

my top 10 scary movies...

Alright, lets see if you guys agree with this:

10: The Eye (Korean version)
9: Premonition (Japanese version)
8: Reincarnation (Japanese version)
7: Tale of Two Sisters (Korean Version)
6: The Eye 2 (Hong Kong version)
5: Ju-On (Japanese version)
4:Whispering Corridors (Korean version)
3: Ringu (Japanese version)
2: The Exorcist
1: The Ring (American version)

when can you call someone a deadbeat and not get in trouble for it?

So I was married to a guy for about 8 years who we will refer to as "Bob". Now Bob and I had a good relationship in my mind, we had 3 kids together, had a house (with a jacuzzi in the backyard, be jealous) and a beautiful golden retriever. We were living the American dream. Then one day, when i was about 7 months pregnant with our 3rd baby, Bob decided he was bored with the dream, and looked outside the marriage to satisfy his urges as it were. And to be fair, he always liked to look at porn online and even bought some and brought them home. I knew shortly after our first was born that I just didn't "do it" for him anymore. But I was too naive to believe we were headed for disaster.

But that's exactly what we were headed for. I found out he was cheating as many have in this day and age. He had sent e-cards and love notes to this woman from our home computer. Apparently he was seeing her for quite some time behind my back, he also worked with her. When I found out, I was desperate for answers. More importantly, I had NO IDEA what I was going to do, because I was so far in my pregnancy, and had 2 little ones at home. Long story short, I left him 3 months after the youngest was born, and went back to New Mexico. Even longer story short, he pulled some really bastardly moves, and now owes me over 16 thousand in back child support. I could go on and on, but Bob may not like what I say...that and there's not enough gigabytes to hold all I have to say in this blog lol....

And that brings us to now. I haven't received any child support from him for the month of June, and I'm missing half a payment for May. Not to mention Bob decided not to pay me a thing in April, rather paid me on May 1st for April. He doesn't understand how child support works. I'm not going to tell him, I'm going to let the child support enforcement do that.

He has his scheduled time with the girls this July. We agreed, since he has spent 3 days of the past 4 years with the girls, that I would be there to be a comfort to the girls if needs be. I wouldn't be interfering with the visit at all. However, we may be stuck at the airport for an entire week. We're trying to save enough money for a rental car and hotels, but it's kind of put us in a bind. We'll figure something out.